sigh....i feel kind of pathetic...my life feels incomplete...i have allowed myself to get too emotionally dependent on them,especially Grace.My days feel pointless without talking to them,it feels so routine and plain....and everyday,i take a few glances at them from the corner of my side view.The image is blurry,as i focus there only mentally on the image,but i treasure those images....even if its all just in my head...
I cant use words to describe how much they mean to me,*smirk*,proof of my weakness....
I get into a few contradictions in my life now,to cure the cold,or to force myself into becoming immune to it....
Emptiness....cold.....lost.....forgotten.....i have inflicted all this upon myself,its the price i have to pay for the weakness of needing any one or two so crucially
At this point of time,my ears have told me many times to just go ahead and make up with them;to forget everything before,and to just get back into the pool that appeases my gills...
but,...can I?
Can i really turn back at this point of time,can i really step back there when i know i will no doubt get addicted to time spent alone with chu,thus making kuro feel left out,and all in all being unhappy because i dont like kuro being unhappy....
Or forcing myself to hold it all in,pretending that i can just walk a seperate path everyday,feeling unfulfilled,feeling so useless;not being able to see the day to its fullest by ensuring that chu gets home safely...sigh,,,perhaps i am addicted,what if i only want to do that because i want to spend time with chu,away from all other distractions.....this is a weakness in me,i have yet to plate with new steel...
And what about kuro,i miss talking to her,her random topics,her careless teases,her ability to force happiness out of people whether or not they actually do feel happy.
This week gets really long,its hard for me to keep avoiding the eyes of kuro and chu,of them reading how much i really miss them,of all the worth they have to me.Nowadays i mostly only talk to Racheal,whereby i almost envy her for the time she still spends with them.Racheal seems to be the last fragment left of them,at least i still find some comfort in Racheal's presence,( :)thnx)....
Even so,the days are cold and somewhat unfulfilled.i dont need to be with Grace for every second of the day,i just need to spend some intimate moments with her,even if not as a source of my infatuation(id really still rather just refer to it as an infatuation),but as a source of the sentimental friendship i have with her,or,if theres any of it left after this....
Jac sent me the song 'kiss the rain',by Yiruma,i listen to it often,it reminds me of all the times i spent with Wileen and Grace....it triggers a few emotions tat makes my heart beat faster...its a mix of happiness and intense sadness,and a pinch of fatigue....but that keeps telling me how dependent i still am on them(im such a weakling,not a wolf,a wolfling...maybe not physically,but emotionally)...
well Jac...now you know what i like about that song.....
sigh,i miss you Grace...
,i miss you Wileen...
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