A desperate grasp, straining to hold all ends together, even as the vines of the rope begin to unwind and snap. You let out a cry as your muscles begin to cramp but you tell yourself you simply cannot let go.
~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~
Well, as the title suggests, I've decided I've gotta try to pull my spiritual life back together again. Every thing's been working out good for me, I feel satisfied with my studies (ups and downs), I feel better in many ways, but I continue to feel this straining emptiness in my heart.
Many small events have made me look back at myself and wonder how far from who I was have I become.
Just a couple of weeks back, BB was collecting donations for their Annual Sharity Gift Box. One extension of this was the Ngee Ann polytechnic Division of BB primers setting up booths around campus to collect these donations. When I saw them, they looked so bright and awesome in their BB primers Mufti-attire (polo-T and blue-longs with sport shoes). When I got back home later that day, I went straight to my cupboard, took out my own primer's polo-T and just stared at it; thinking about my past with my bros, how slowly but surely I strayed away from all that into other time commitments.
Last Wednesday, after the weekly song composing club gathering, I happened to see this circle of students gathered on the floor. It somewhere between 8-9pm then and a group of us were walking through "Munch" block when we saw them. about a dozen of them, one with a guitar on her lap, the rest with song sheets in front of them. They were singing moderately soft but it didn't sound like typical professional "choir" sort of singing, so I guessed they were there as a cell group or fellowship group. It just brought back a lot of memories, and I felt like I wanted to join them, even thought some of my CCA mates laughed at them. It wasn't about the skill in the music they played, it was about the heart and soul involved. Mine's been pretty badly distorted. Not that its noticeable, but from a spiritual perspective, I've gone totally off track. This was a reminder of that emptiness in my heart and again it felt like I was totally missing out.
Between the range of last Thursday till now and on-going. There was a contest held last thursday called NP's got talent. Basically, a bunch of people who have gotten past auditions were to perform together and the top 3 winners will be selected. I was there to support my course mates who had formed a band of their own for the competition (in the end I realised that I knew people from about 5 bands there-one of which got first place). Moving on, there was this girl who performed solo. I'm not gonna say her name but lets just call her Counter Terrorist-CT (cause she's stopping the bomb from detonating in me). Points for style if you get the reference. Anyway, CT wasn't anyone I know, or have ever noticed or met prior to this contest. But when she performed, it just seemed to really capture my heart's attention. After her performance I just felt this nagging feeling to find out more about her (which I havent gotten over many girls before, not this extreme.)
[let me just pause the story here and note that I do not see her and me as soulmates in the future, I just really admire her for her character.]
Most of what I found out about her was by chance, like friends searching her up while randomly talking about her and stuff. But it was amazing, somehow I knew there was something about this girl I was supposed to find out. She was very active in many enriching and fulfilling aspects of her life. She has been to many competitions, covered many songs, and the most important thing; shes a christian- a rather strong one it seems. When I saw all that she had achieved, I realised she had this certain focus on God, which gave her the confidence to pull through all these events. (meanwhile my fingers themselves shiver everytime I hold a guitar on centre stage; which then makes me miss a bunch of notes.) She was very fluent in her performances, there was a very obvious fire burning in her. A fire I had this strong pull towards. After realising how much she has accomplished, I realised I should learn from her. No matter how far I feel I've gone, I'm always gonna feel empty unless I reconnect with God. Looking back at all that's happened, maybe there was some reason everything that's happened did happen.
I don't know yet if CT realises how much she has influenced me. I revamped my Youtube channel and facebook account to head towards being more confident to express myself. I wanted to type her name under "people who inspire me" but there wasn't any fan page for her yet and it seems too random to put a name there isnt a page for=x so yeah
After a good chat reconnecting with darryl (he's like a older bro in christ to me), I've decided I should start approaching groups to try to rekindle the flame I had back when I had morning worship. Already sent out an email to a Christian Fellowship CCA checking if they have something of similar nature. (I once tried a group quiet time but it felt very different from what I'm used to, just couldn't find the motivation to stay on.) Anyway, its getting late. In the middle of E-learning week, gotta accomplish more work tomorrow, soooo.... nights.
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