Hmmm,how do I feel now.....11/06/2010-2257

Im not sure why I'm blogging now,I don't really have many frequent readers.Sighs....its a personal journal anyway. So here's the thing, vicious cycle?you have no idea. I keep beating myself up on the inside, for feeling so lonely,due to the fact I'm a loner, and cos I'm pessimistic.[whats the point?]. I don't know,I just can't seem to find my place....

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I'm considering making my blog private again.Recently my posts have been very much just the surface thoughts,and never the deeper stuff. Prolly because I let some people in from my class,some people whom (MAYBE) I'm not too close enough (YET). SO now I have two choices, ignore my conscience, make it private again,and invite only 2 or 3 ppl,or i can choose to just keep blogging like this with no actual new content on my blog because I'm too busy feeling beat-up all the time with no real outlet.

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Ever felt dehumanised?like youre just no longer significant......I keep getting that feeling.....and I know I've back slided alot spiritually if I've ever pulled strong in the first place because I'm starting to question if I'm significant to God.IM not the deepest of guys(I know deeper ppl),I'm not the wisest,I'm not exactly the best at guitar or music,nor the smartest, nor the strongest. So who am i?"A flower quickly fading,here today and gone tmr,a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind..."sighs....

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I've been love sick over love lately....and thought abit about it....the funny thing about crushes is that you mostly look at the negatively consequences of it, the funny thing about being crushed on,is that, for abit at least, there's a fluttery feeling just simply knowing you matter to somebody. Strangely,the nice feeling comes discretely, and you only realise it existed after its gone....sighs.,..

Sometimes i wondered what it would be like if a girl ever had feelings for me.

[flashback]:[UO]:"The most precious thing a girl can ever give a guy is her heart. If a girl ever gives you hers, treasure it, and don't play around with it."

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Am I ready to handle a girl's heart?O_O I know how to appreciate it,but can I cradle it?After all, Loving poetry and having the capability to interpret it are two different things. sighs.....why am I all of a sudden talking about this?recently i had suspicions that a friend of mine was crushing on me, but I guess it turned out to be nothing after all. It was a relief and a disappointment at the same time. Oh well,learning experience at least. Hadn't gotten this feeling since sherry.I mean,she was the only girl that ever told me she was crushing on me. (alright,was pretty young then)....first i felt eww.....and after it was over it was more of "sighs....it's over"......in other words, I wasn't able to appreciate it til it was gone. But ok,learning experience, I guess I'll just be prepared for when someone does develope feelings for me.

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